Monday, August 31, 2015

1st day of Preschool train wreck

Becoming a parent, there are a few things you picking, trick or treating, all sorts of kid activities you know will be adorable and amazing. I'm here to break it to you, it never goes like you picture. Movies lie with their happy, clean, non tantrum children. Those tv kids don't even have boogers anywhere on their face or clothes.

One of these activities I've been looking forward to is the first day of school. I pictured waffles with sprinkles, pictures wearing backpacks, and a lovely send off to starting a school career. What I actually got was nothing short of a train wreck.

I should have given up all hope when Oliver was up from 12:30am-3:15 am and woke up Zach.  I shuffled Zach back to bed & was confident our early risers would rebound. 

Fast forward to 8:15 am when I finally had to wake up both boys. Zach was not thrilled, but excited about school. Oliver was straight up demon baby screaming pissed. Never have I seen such rage from a small child. I got his diaper off to change him & he ran screeching the whole way through the house.

I gave up clothing the baby to focus on the big boy.....since we had to leave in 20 minutes & no one was dressed or fed. I shoved Zach into some clothes & at the table for a breakfast of whatever I could dig up fast.  So magical & special this 1st day of school breakfast.

While the big one was eating I turned my attention back to the little half naked one....who was laying face down on the carpet crying still. I stand him up, slap a diaper & some clothes on him in a manner that would make Houdini proud only to realize my knees were now wet.  During his fit of rage, Oliver peed a lake on the carper, that I was now sitting in.

I had enough time to clean the pee carpet, but not myself, shove a banana in Oliver's pie hole & hit the road.

As we're getting in the car I remember we should take pictures of this joyous day. I get Zach to stand in the driveway for a quick phone picture as Oliver starts screaming again from his car seat.

I got Zach dropped off, only 4 minutes late & smelling of pee & high tailed it to the pediatrician to exercise the demons from Oliver. Turns out he's not sick, just being a toddler sized bully.

Not what I imagined, but at the very least tomorrow could not go worse.

Did I mention today is also my birthday?  Pass me all the wine & cake year 31.

Saturday, July 18, 2015

Hello MIddle Age

How are we doing around here?  We're test driving used sedans, I peed my pants last week, and we spent Friday night watching Space Jam (a really awful movie with cartoon characters and Michael Jordan....just terrible).  Overall I'd say we are living the middle aged parents dream.

Did you know, after birthing 2 children, you may pee a little while doing box jumps in a bootcamp class at the gym?  At which point I paused to have a conversation with myself..."what was that?  It can't be....did I really just pee in my pants?  What in the actual hell?  I just fu**ing peed my pants.  Good thing I sweat like a menopausal woman now, you can't even tell.  I need to start doing kegels ASAP."  I mean, being 30 is pretty awesome.

I'm clearly excelling at motherhood.
I would also like to take a moment to laugh at that optimistic woman who posted on here over a year ago about kicking butt with 2 kids hahahahahaha.  Oh sweet woman.  That little baby will do more than sleep and eat and then shit gets real.  I think I actually gave this sage advice to a woman who just had her 2nd child, "It won't seem bad, then it will seem impossible, but then it gets better....I promise it will get better".  We are entering the better phase.  We feel like we're clawing our way out of survival mode and are ready to be functioning members of society.  The boys are more mobile and Oliver can communicate more.  The boys are playing with each other, it often looks like wrestling, but I'll call it super hugging.  Overall we have hit a good stride.  Somedays are more difficult than others, but we're going on more adventures and Oliver is finally sleeping consistently (that child hates to sleep).  We are entering the 4 year old attitude and 18 month old climber stages, so I'm sure I'll regret declaring my awesome parenting and succeeding in this stage of life.  

So I leave you for 4 months and then I provide gems of peeing my pants and life being difficult.  You're welcome.

Thursday, March 26, 2015

Another baby, another poop story

Oliver finally gets his very own poop post. 
Oh Oliver.  He looks so sweet, but he is so ornery. I was finishing up giving both boys a bath and needed to grab a diaper.  Oliver was out of the bath, lotioned up, pulling everything out of the drawers.  Zach was playing toys in the draining tub. 'Oliver will be fine without a diaper for a few minutes'.....stupid, stupid, stupid.

The diaper I needed was literally 4 steps away, around the corner, in Oliver's room.  I was out of the bathroom possibly 35 seconds.  Maybe add an extra 4 seconds to close then reopen the bathroom door.  Clearly I closed the door so no baby could escape down the hall and pee.

I walk back into the bathroom and there is a pile of poo in the middle of the floor.  Zach and Oliver appear to be in the excat same spot as when I left the room....35 seconds earlier.....

It looked like a big dog snuck into our bathroom to have an incident on the floor.

I just started laughing. What else can you do?  I say, "Zach did you see Oliver poop on the floor?".  Zach finally notices the mess and starts laughing hysterically.  I'm not quite sure how Zach missed the whole event in a small bathroom.

I was just happy nobody had stepped in it or made a bigger mess. 

Never, ever, ever, does it go well letting a baby run naked in the house.

Tuesday, February 17, 2015

Hard Worker

3 year old - "My daddy is such a hard worker. He works so hard."

Me - "Well, what about me?  Do I work hard?"

3 yo - "No mommy, you don't work just do everything."

This was the most insulting compliment I've received to date and I once had someone tell me I was pretty in an average sort of way. 

Monday, February 16, 2015

The Good and the Bad

Staying at home with the kids is a delicate balancing act of recognizing the good and not beating myself up for admitting there is bad.

The Good: I got to snuggle with my toddler at 6:30am and watch cartoons instead of rushing around to get ready and get out the door.

The Bad: I have been up since 3am since the baby is teething/has a cold/hates me and wanted to hang out for an hour or 2 in the middle of the night.  Since I get to be the one who stays home, I get to be the one who gets up with the kids.  It is more acceptable for me to fall asleep with my eyes open at home, than my husband to pass out at work and get fired.

The Good:  I don't have to change out of my pajamas.

The Bad:  There are many days I do not talk to another adult.  If this is the case I pounce on poor Matt once he gets home and either a.) throw the kids at him and run out the door....only to drive around and enjoy the quiet, still not talking to anyone; or b.) pounce on poor Matt and start firing questions at him about his social interactions.  Questions that have actually been asked include: what did you eat from lunch?  Did you get to go to the bathroom alone?

The Bad Part 2:  Pants that grow with you give the illusion of zero weight gain even though you may have hid in the pantry and ate your kids Christmas candy.

The Good:  You never miss a moment.  Those first steps, first words, hugs and kisses.

The Bad:  You never miss a moment.  Not a single tantrum, poop explosion, I hate my brother & like to yell in his face every 3 minutes moment.

The Good:  Plenty of time for play dates.

The Bad:  It could be my introvert nature, or the fact that making mom friends is harder than finding a husband was, but none of my friend stay home (most think I'm pretty bonkers for staying home myself) and I have yet to ask another mom on a date.  Play dates are going to the library and pretending we know the other people there.

The Good: You get to make all of the decisions....what your child eats, learns, can and cannot do.

The Bad: For the love of God do not put any of these choices on Facebook, they will be judged and ridiculed and commented on because you get to stay home so you should have home cooked organic meals every night, after you have done your craft and learning activity, while staying on a consistent schedule know, you can since you're home all the time.  A 3 year old acts like a 3 year old no matter what setting.  Today our learning activity is in the form of Elmo...on TV.

It is heavy to be responsible for all of these things.  I am sure I'm failing everyday in at least one aspect.  But donut date Fridays, even if they happen at lunch time and not breakfast, are the bees knees even if they are not healthy.

The Good:  We have more family time to just be together and not getting chores/errands done.

The Bad: We don't have to use family time to do chores/errands because I did them.  Probably at 4am after the baby went back to sleep.  I may be burning a hole in my stomach with all this coffee in my system.  Truth, I hate 90% of the housework, but it's part of my job, just like I'm sure Matt hates 90% of the reports he has to do, or questions he has to answer.

There are so many more good and bads.  Sometimes when I'm overwhelmed and consider taking any job that is offered to me just to get out of the house, I stop Matt and tell him all the positives of working and make him point out all of the positives of staying home.  Sometimes it is hard to see the forest in the trees, or the awesome opportunity I have to stay home through the pile of laundry and dirty diapers.  It works for us and although I'll question what the hell I'm doing and then search through the want ads during the week, I can't imagine being anywhere else.

Tuesday, February 10, 2015

Mean Mommy

3 year old: "Mommy, those are mean alligators, like you."

Me: "Wait, what (I was only half listening to the previous 10 minutes where he gave the life and adventures of said alligators & pirates)?  I'm not mean."

3 yo: "Yes you are mommy, but only a little bit, like the alligators."

He runs off as I contemplate if this is a score in the good mom or bad mom column?  I choose to pat myself on the back for a job well done. Looks like I'm winning some of these battles.

My meanest act of the day had been not letting him eat a "cold treat" for breakfast. It was a good negotiation tactic, but no matter how hard you try to make ice cream sound healthy, it's just not.....believe me, I've explored this Avenue before.

Wednesday, January 14, 2015

Dog or Hydrant

Some days you are the dog, and some days you are the mom getting peed on by her toddler.....wait, I mean hydrant.

Zach has been fully potty trained for months. He does not sleep in a diaper and always tells us when he has to go. He hates when his undies are wet at all. 

Walking out of the ymca, on the way out to the car after running errands, I must have asked Zach 15 times if he had to go potty....more like 3, but it felt like a lot.  Ohio was having am awesome -10 degree day and I wanted to get to the car and get home before we froze.

All the way out of the building...."no mom, no mama, I don't have to go".  Liar liar pants on fire. I get Oliver buckled in his seat, Zach takes his coat off and starts freaking out...of course he has to pee NOW. 

We have one choice, drop your drawers and pee out of the door in the parking lot of the ymca....into the freezing wind chill. I run around the car and it is already too late. He started peeing in his pants as I'm pulling them down, I'm yelling "wait, wait!"  Apparently he did try to wait because as I get in front of him to get his pants all the way down his stream double times and he pees on me.  It was like I was being fire hosed.

I, of course, go "turn, turn!"  duh, now he pees all over the car door.

Everything is soaked.  Luckily I keep spare pants in the car for him and had a blanket to wipe everything I'm freezing my ass off, wet with pee, standing in the ymca parking lot.  It was a sight to be seen.

Zach was thrilled he got to wear pants with no underware home.  I was thrilled no one that parked around us decided to come out during the pee incident of 2015.

Thursday, January 8, 2015

Facing Fears

Some people are scared of spiders and snakes, I'm terrified of Zumba. Yes, Zumba the dance workout. The entire idea is a billion miles out of my comfort zone.  I'm missing a key element for dancing....rhythm.  My rhythm is so bad I can't even spell rhythm. Spell check had to take 10 tries to figure out what I was trying to say. I also fear embarrassing myself in public.  So, Zumba is the perfect set up for a panic attack.

Fast forward to yesterday. We joined the ymca and I figured I would try out a fitness class. Standing in the back I ask what class I've joined, really should do that prior to joining next time, and hear I'm in EXhilarate.....Zumba with hip hop instead of Latin music.  I tell this poor stranger, "well that's terrifying, I think I better go".  I'm not sure why I don't make friends with that sort if awkward appeal oozing from my mouth. 

She is chipper and alll, "just stay it's fun...blah blah".  Apparently my need to people please outweighs my fear of dancing in public.....or I didn't want to look like a giant pansy running out of a Zumba class full of ladies, many of them my senior by a good margin.

So here I was, facing fears, starting 2015 accidentally kicking butt and taking names.

I can just thank my lucky stars no one tapes these classes.  There was more booty shaking in that hour than my entire life combined. And guess what......I had a blast. 

Once I realized no one in that room, except for the instructor, had any sort of rhythm or idea what they were doing, I decided to throw caution to the wind and get down with my bad self. It's like singing in church, no matter how bad you are you sing loud and proud because you're praising the lord......when you're in Zumba you go wild and booty shake like only ever done when you're drunk, because you're working out.

Before this episode I also thought of myself as a decently fit person.  I've been running and can bang out 3-4 miles no problem. I've never had to take so many water breaks in 1 hour in my life....and I ran a half marathon. The sweat was so bad it looked like I just got out if the shower. Some poor woman was being so kind and told me as I was walking out of the building, "I just love your hair, wash and go styles are the best".  I didn't have the heart to tell her it was a sweat and go style.

So 2015, first lesson learned. Get out of my comfort zone and it may be fun. The women were all so friendly and it was a ton of fun. There were definitely a lot of moments where I just jumped around trying to figure out what the hell I was doing, but I'm looking forward to next week and perfecting my booty shake.

PS Turns out I don't have any pictures of myself on my phone, so I leave you with're welcome.....

Tuesday, January 6, 2015

Sleep studies by a 3 year old

3 year old: "Mommy, I'm tired but if I sleep I can't see anything.  It's hard to sleep when I can't see."

Me: my usual blank stare, then pull some bs out of my butt....."we will go on adventures tomorrow & there will be lots to see, but you have to sleep and rest first"

Told you, complete bs.  I did start calling everything an adventure early, so Zach is no Lewis and Clark.  An adventure to Zach is going to the grocery store and getting to walk down the toy aisle.  It's either evil or genuis, I'm not sure which one. 

One man says buying stamps & mailing bills, another says adventure.  Clearly the one who says adventure is one of my children & needs to visit a therapist for this & a whole lot of other weird issues.