Saturday, June 29, 2013

You know you're a parent when...

You know you're a parent when.....

at 6:45am on a Saturday morning you're on your way to breakfast (since the power went out the night before & you're left with no food) quoting Disney movies with your husband....

we are awesome....I can't believe it's not even 10am yet it feels like 4pm.

Wednesday, June 26, 2013

Proud parents

We were watching the news when it showed the radar with a large storm moving towards our town. It was quite obvious by the big red blob we were going to get rain.

Me "Matt we're going to get some rain"

Zach "no shit"

Me "what did you say?!"

Zach "no shit"

At least he used it appropriately.

Monday, June 24, 2013

Newborn Must Haves

We seem to have a lot of pregnant ladies in our life currently....just to be clear, I'm not one of I figured I would join the thousands of lists online of baby must haves. There are lists upon lists of things you need to buy for your little bundle of joy. Guess what, on my list you don't need to spend a dime. Baby doesn't care about name brands and you can get by without a $200 swing. True, I would have married our swing when Zach was 5 months old, but turns out he liked the porch swing just as much. This is a list of just the necessities as determined by the renowned baby experts (ha) Me and my husband...

1. A good sense of humor.

You're going to need to find the funny in difficult situations or you'll have a mental breakdown. Relax and laugh at the pee showers, what is another load of laundry at this point?

2. Lowered expectations of your parenting skills.

Guess're not going to be the picture perfect parent you envision before the little poop factory comes along. You're kid will probably watch TV and have some non organic sugar treats or fast food by the time they are 2 years old. Breathe. This does not make you a failure, it makes you human.

3. Someone you trust to babysit nearby.

You love your baby to the ends of the earth and back, but you would also like 10 damn minutes to poop and shower and maybe cry (hormones are no joke & linger after baby is born, sorry ladies). Somedays you just need help....whether its a date night, nap, or going to the store by yourself. People offer to watch your little one, take them up on it. They would not offer if they did not mean it and there is no mother of the year prize for never getting away from your kid....except for maybe a trip to the mental ward. Do not feel bad for taking me time, you need it to recharge so you can be a better mom and wife.

The first few weeks of motherhood are amazing and awful. It's an overwhelming love that cannot be described with a healthy dose of 'oh crap I don't know what I'm doing, I'm so tired and want to cry' thrown in.

You will be fine and I promise you will eventually forget the sore boobs and exhausted feeling and actually miss those first few weeks. You'll be great and don't let anyone tell you differently.

Thursday, June 20, 2013

That time I did hot yoga

I tried hot yoga. I was offered a chance to try a class for free and said heck yes without knowing what it

To prepare for this class I plucked my unibrow, posted a general Facebook question on what to wear, and googled the crap out of hot yoga. Come to find out hot yoga is just in a super hot room. I was nervous to say the least.

I sweat more in that hour than I have in my previous 27 years combined. I sweat in places I didn't know could sweat. It was like I jumped into a pool of sweat. I really didn't think I was capable of that much sweat. I mean I work in a greenhouse. I've worked a 12 hour day in 90 degree heat in the greenhouses...I thought I was prepared....I was wrong.

Sweating aside, I think I liked the class. I was relaxed the entire hour and left feeling less stressed than I have in a long time. I think I would have felt the same in a room that wasn't on fire, but I'll just pretend I'm on the beach.

Final hot yoga verdict....give it a try, it may surprise you. Also, bring a towel to sit on in the car, you will leave a butt sweat mark on the seat of your car.

Tuesday, June 18, 2013

Pee Phone

Oh little boys....I thought we were past the getting peed on stage, but I was mistaken. I was changing a particularly unpleasant diaper and I gave Zach my phone since he was melting down. This is nothing new. Little man hates diaper changes and loves to google tractor images on my phone so it works out nicely.

I will never make this mistake again since wouldn't you know it, Zach had a giant firehouse pee right before I put on his new diaper. He peed on me, his own face, the wall behind name it. Luckily I have the best husband ever who took Zach directly to the bath and told me to clean up myself and my phone.

How embarrassing would it be to go to get a new phone because mine was peed on? I'm sure they've seen worse.

Wednesday, June 12, 2013

Little con artist

Zach is a smart boy and plays us bad. He already tries to manipulate us with smiles and hugs.

He had 2 days in a row he was just bad. No other way to describe it. He saw time out more than once and we were both getting frustrated. My sister called and I believe I told her I was going to drop kick a toddler....and it was only we all know I would never do anything to harm my child, but it was the only way I could think of to convey to her how done I was. I was at my wits end and about to call up great grandma to save me.

Zach must have sensed he was pushing it too far shortly after he kicked me in the head and laughed hysterically while yelling 'no mama no kick bad!'. He must have known because he walked up to me, smiled, and said 'hold hand pwease'....melt my heart. Those little 3 words made me forget how frustrated I was. He probably heard me talk about drop kicking and turned on the charm.

He saved both of our sanity with a simple hand hold.

Monday, June 10, 2013

Happy Monday

I hope you all have a great Monday and are happier than a toddler in a sand volleyball court...

Friday, June 7, 2013

What I learned at Starbucks

It's no secret that I don't get out much. If I go somewhere it's usually to someone's house or an old person/townie bar. We are generally surrounded by people like us...30, tired, we don't see a diverse population. On the off chance we're out to dinner I'm generally too distracted keeping Zach occupied and picking things up off the floor to notice anyone around us.

Today I had a weird experience where I was at Starbucks, alone, for 45 whole minutes. I had a chance to observe the diverse population outside my PBS cartoon and farmer bubble. I learned that white pants and acid wash jeans are everyone wearing them....and apparently there is no age restriction. I'm no spring chicken but if I have to wonder if your acid wash jeans are new or from a White Snake video you were in, it's time to hang them up. I agree with my moms saying if you wore it the first time, you shouldn't wear it the second time around.

I also learned a lot of actual work and meetings happen in Starbucks. To the young woman today; I respect you're meeting a financial advisor, but Starbucks is small and we can all hear your business. He's trying to tell you nicely to put money into retirement and you cannot afford your start up business at this time. If you don't start listening to him he is going to bang his head on your tiny table repeatedly....I want to bang my head on my tiny table repeatedly.

Lastly I learned I'm paranoid. I went to Starbucks for their wi-fi since ours died. I was sure everyone who walked in was creeping me and looking at my computer screen. Clearly they were too important with their own meetings to care what I was doing, but I was sure they were speed reading my emails and hacking my checking account with their eyes.

As a side note I should not drink so much coffee in one day. I can hold my booze just fine, but apparently I can no longer hold my coffee without acting like I'm on drugs.

Tuesday, June 4, 2013

Boy mom problems: button, penis or dump truck?

Being a boy mom is rewarding and mind boggling. I may have been a tom boy but most boy things besides sports are mind boggling. I'll tell Matt something Zach did with equal parts horror and awe looking for answers. Matt just laughs at me and gives the expert explanation "he's a boy, what do you expect?".

The latest in boy horrors/hilarity has to deal with male genitalia...of course. Zach kept pointing to his little weiner and calling it button. He knows what his belly button is so we would correct him and say no, that's your penis and point to his belly button and say this is your button. A sure way to avoid confusion.

Later that day during a diaper change Zach pointed to his penis and said bulldozer! He was so proud of himself. Matt was also proud of him. I am worried what daycare will think when he calls his penis a bulldozer.